07 August, 2015

Athenticity and Fear of Dissapointment

I'm at work at the moment bored out of my mind and it occured to me that I should put to paper some thoughts that has been swirling in my mind as of late in hopes of gaining some clarity.

Auhenticity! What does this mean to you? To me, to be authentically me is to live life in a way that is the best reflection of my innermost desires. Who do I see myself as? Do I live in accordance with that vision? That is the question I find myself asking more and more over the last few months to a year. The answer I discovered was far from pleasant. I realized that a lot of my actions were governed by how I will be percieved or by a fear of dissapointing others.What this then often amounted to was me living a life where I was playacting this vision others had of me. I'm the first person to tell you how much I hate "fake" people. People who are unable to speak their minds are my least favorite people so I never considered my self fake. I still don't. The inability to speak my mind is not what ails me. It's more of a deep fear of disapointing others.

It took a very special person coming into my life to come to this realization.This realization has been gradual but peristent and I have a burning desire to change that. Being from a collectivistic society has meant that at many times, putting the needs/desires/pleasures of others came before mine. I've always been taught that this is the way it ought to be. Being selfless is king. And while I still share that belief, I also believe that love of self cannot be ignored. In fact, love of self has to be paramount in other to love others fully and completely without resentment. How can one only live to please others and not wither away inside? I found that I was withering away slowly but surely. This realization was the instigator in me making sure that I honor myself by making sure that I'm not living only to please others but also to please myself.

This is going to take a lot of work. I'm having to relearn a lot of habis that are so ingrained and integral to who I had become. It means learning to say no. It means coming to the realization that while family members may love and adore you, they can also tak advantage of your kind heartedness.

So the question then is how do you honor those who gave everything to you but still stay true to yourself while learning to say no? That's the quest I'm on and writing about it yeilds clarity so I guess I'll be blogging about it.

'till later...